New Life, New Vision, New Dream...

So today I wanted to give an update. I haven't blogged in almost 5 months. WOW! That is a long time.

Update:

• I am dating (and have been for 4 months) Corey. He is amazing. He loves God with all his heart. He wants to be a medical missionary. We share a passion to serve others and one day not live in this country. 
• I also turned 21 on August 3rd! Not that it was super significant. Corey took me out for a nice glass of wine. I got super tired, took a nap and then we went to a friend's house for dinner, where I drank another nice glass of wine. 
• I have finally decided, and received confirmation from God, to pursue my bachelor's (unhindered). 
• I also have been taking leadership classes through my church (iWorship Center). 
• I am going to community college this fall and next spring to finish up my perquisites for my bachelors. =] 

That is my update and here are juicy verses for you:
Isaiah 8:12-13
  "Do not call conspiracy
everything this people calls conspiracy;
do not fear what they fear,
and do not dread it.
The Lord Almighty is the on you are to reguard as holy,
he is the one you are to fear,

Daddy,
    Show me how to fear only you. Remind me of your promises
when I doubt. Bring me to a new level today. Reveal yourself to
me in new ways. Teach me, guide me and protect me. I love you!

Amen
 
he is the one you are to dread.

When the lemon is thrown back...make sure it isn't rotten

It is very interesting how people forgive and..... This blog was suppose to be about how Frank gave me a second chance. And he did, but today we began a friendship. April 30th, 2012, at 9:19 pm Frank told me God doesn't have a future for us to be together as more then friends.
I was so happy to write this blog and brag about how everything is going great, but I don't have that.

Daddy, 
I am hurting. I put everything out there and it was all handed back to me. Daddy,
I want more of You. I need You. Guide me, Teach me and show me what You want 
me to do. You are a good God. Though my plan fell through Yours never will! Thank you, Daddy.
In Your name, 
Amen!

When you throw away the lemon....

I recently posted about a guy and I thought I would update on the status of this relationship.
Its done. 
I know. I know. "What happened!"
Well to sum it up, I got scared. I am really great at thinking, but bad at articulating my worries, fears, and doubts. I get a plan or idea in my head and generally (as I have been told) there is no changing it. So I broke up with Frank on Tuesday morning. I didn't realize at that point what I had done. I honestly just needed to take a step back and analyze the relationship to make sure I was on the 'right' track. Instead of saying "I need time" or "I need space," I said "I guess I am breaking up with you."
Those 8 words not only ended the dating relationship, but they obliterated the connection and trust of the relationship.

Have you ever been on a roller coaster? Do you remember the moment, the millisecond, before the first drop. Your breath catches and then you go flying downward, only to be caught at the bottom of the drop with a propelling force upward, or in any direction.
This time right as my breath caught I stopped. The coaster stopped. Everyone got off and walked away. There was no rush, or screams... It was over. Anyone can get on the Batman, or the Superman time and time again, but not this one. I whispered, "no" and it was all over.

I have felt very bogged down and heavy since Tuesday. I actually identified why I am so bogged down. I didn't fully come to terms with the loss of the connection until last night. I was on the phone with frank for an hour discussing how I screwed up. The subject was second chances. We are still friends, but there is a huge loss I have never felt before.

All I can do is move on, but its difficult. I mean I am moving on. I have a bright view of the future, but there are times I ask myself "why! why! Why are you so dumb!"
It's interesting. We were on the phone discussing the future. Frank always uses a canoe as an analogy for relationships. In essence, I rammed the boat into the bank and got out. The video in my head played over and over. I got scared so I directed us to the bank. I paddled faster and faster out of worry. We hit the bank, and I jumped out. I was pacing back and forth talking furiously with myself. Meanwhile, he got out of the boat and approached me. I said I was done and he turned away hurt. He walked away. I followed and asked him to get back in the boat with me. He said, "No, I am not getting back in the boat."


Daddy, 
I want my joy back. I am done with this heartache. Please
heal my heart. Hold me. Teach me to be content in all 
circumstances. Teach me to hold tight to You. Your 
righteous right hand up holds me. 
In Your name I pray, 
Amen. 

Frankly.

      So, I have moved on past Joel. God has really been working in me. I have been catching up with multiple old friends and meeting new ones. It is really different, for me anyways, to have guys interested in me. I am use to guys disliking me because of my standards or attitude. I have changed a lot over the years. God has really done good work. He is continuing His work. 

Frank. 

     So I grew up in the church with Frank. He was my oldest brothers friend. I remember really wanting his attention, well his and any other of my brother's friends. I have been talking to him for about a month now. And Joel and I have been broken up for about 2 months now. I can't get over how I am drawn to Frank. No, not in a sexual way. He loves Jesus. Which is criteria number ONE. He is a natural leader. He leads me without me realizing it. He is independent.. well as far as I can tell so far. He is a great guy; who keeps pointing back to Jesus, no matter the scenario. I called him once when I was upset with my dad about the car fiasco. He told me to go "talk to Jesus, and ask Him what to do," that is the single greatest thing He could have said. The fact he said those words made me stop and realize how irrational I was being. 
He speaks without judgement and with love. He has expressed multiple times how he likes me and thinks I am pretty. And I have expressed the same, but this time when it is expressed I am not forcing myself to say something which isn't true. Okay he is 26, so what! I am going to be 21 in August, it's only a ... yeah I calculated that online.
     We just got off the phone, and the more I look at how our relationship, friendship, is developing the more I see it as more then just friends. I told him tonight "I think we treat each other as more then just friends," his response "What does that mean" 
"I don't know" 
"I think you are the only one calling it friends"
"What are you calling it"
"I think that has to be a mutual decision"
"Yeah, your right."


      I don't want to be fooling myself or falling into a trap of the enemy. When I say this one feels right, I get scared. I reason how the last two had been different and how in the beginning I had had doubts but had pushed them aside, which is true, but I don't want to make up excuses just to date him sooner. I really like him and want to do things right. 


       Daddy, 
I really like Frank. I want this to be right. You know what I want, what my dream is for a marriage and a husband. I really like Frank, but as I have said before I want to marry my best friend. Lord, please make Frank my best friend. He is amazing, thank you for him. Daddy, guide me, direct me, convict me, rebuke me, bless me. I ask the same for Frank. Please be with us as we walk with you and with each other. Allow us to bless each other and to ALWAYS point each other toward you. 
In Your name, 
Amen! 


-S.R.Macke

Sorry I'm not Daughter of the Year.

I am finding it more and more difficult to live with my father. He is belligerent in my eyes. Tonight we had a talk about how immature I am. And about how I needed to be going to sleep. This conversation went from 1:30 until 2 am. If he REALLY had a problem with me staying up then he should have said get off the phone, go to bed, we are going to talk in the morning.
I feel like he is going to bed at least appease because he got to tell most of the ways he feels disrespect and disappointed in me for. The conversation in my eyes was a 'Let's tell Sierra all the ways she fails to be perfect."
I really want to move out, ASAP! I am going to start looking at apartments in the area. I might just go live with my grandparents. That is a reasonable idea! Though they might be more strict then my dad...
I would have to be in by 11, instead of 12. I would have to tell them if I wasn't at school, work, or church. And I probably would eventually end up in the predicament I am in now [hating my life]. Not all of it. I do enjoy most things about my life, just not living with my father. Whom I see as disagreeable and pushy. I realize I may be biased, but then again Ben, my brother, did move to the west coast because of him and other various reasons. My dad was one of the top reasons. I might do the same. Get my dad off my back, get my own place, and live close to my brothers, doesn't sound like a bad life. Only problem I have with it, is that Joel doesn't seem to fit into it. Joel, my boyfriend.
I am literally going to have to budget my time and money.

I hate having to check in. I feel like I am five. NO, I am twenty. Get out of my face, I don't owe you anything. I don't need to tell you where I am.

I need to move out.

Peace,

S.R.Macke

Rough & Tough.

Today was UUUggghhh. I am PMSing, which in my case means that my hormones have an influence on my moods. I find it really easy to be pessimistic. So this is my list of bitterness:
My shin hurts because I hit off a ladder I was climbing and trying not to fall.
I was late to my computer class by an hour, because I over slept.
I was late to Pysh101, mainly because there was no parking anywhere so I parked in their grass... suckahs.
I have acting tomorrow at 2 and I am coming to hate that class and a test in my Business 121 class.
Today has not been a day from hell because that would imply that God was absent and He wasn't. God was by myside, when I was unwilling to listen. He was there when I was tailgating that one car.

And then there is my boyfriend. He is pretty awesome! I love him! He makes me smile!

That is my rant. Good evening!

S.R. Macke

Affect. Effect. Love.

   It's super crazy how much an impact you won't make on the masses, which is why we should focus on the persons. The person you sit next to in class, your co-worker who gets on your nerves, or the person who lives across the hall, down the street, or maybe even room with. The people that you interact with daily are the people who need to be affected the most. I never knew the difference between the two (effect and affect).
   I thought they were interchangeable. When I think in terms of reality they are very different. What I mean by this is we affect people, we are not an effect. TO affect someone is 'to act on' or 'to impress the mind'. TO be an effect is to be produced. We should be loving people not being the one seeking love. <-- I know that statement seems crazy, but if you are truly made a new creation in Christ then you are whole in Him. By being made a new creation our mental focus changes from self to others. So today, when you go about your daily life think about how you affect people.

ef·fect

 
[ih-fekt] 
–noun
1.      something that is produced by an agency or cause; result;consequence: Exposure to the  sun had the effect oftoughening his skin.
2.      power to produce results; efficacy; force; validity; influence:His protest had no effect.

af·fect

¹  [v. uh-fekt; n. af-ekt] –verb (used with object)

1.

to act on; produce an effect or change in: Cold weather affected the crops.

2.

to impress the mind or move the feelings of: The music affected him deeply.

Peace!

S.R. Macke