My boyfriend and I broke up. This has been hard. For you to better understand why here is a play by play:
I was in Seattle when he called me and explained what an awesome time he had at chapter focus week. He was excitedly going on about the loving community he and the group he had gone with had become. It was explained to me that the group that he had gone with was the smallest group, but they were the loudest. They would yell "oOO" across the campus they were located and they would get responses from fellow group mates "oOO". The joy he expressed in all that he had learned from God was extravagant. I celebrated in my heart with him and the group he had gone with. He told me that God had rebuked him for some of his actions and that things would be changing. I myself had been thinking about things and was praying that God would put it in my boyfriends to bring up changing the exact things God told had to change. This was amazing to me to see my God act so quickly and effectively. I agreed with him and we decided I would visit him the following weekend. This weekend came and things weren't sitting well. I was nervous but relieved. I had no clue what was in store for the weekend. The first night I was there we attended a friend's going away party. We played water pong ( same a beer pong minus the beer) and hung out. Many people drank and everyone had fun. We left and went back to my boyfriend's house. We watched a little TV.
The next day we went to a friend's graduation party. We played games and ate food, enjoying everyone company. We left at 4 to run to his house somethings before worship at 4:30. I was silent in the car. He got fired up by the fact that he never rebuked me or had theological conversations with me. He told me things were going to change. I was silent and complete agreed with him. I wanted change, I longed for it. My life at this point felt as if it was at a stand still. I felt my self settling into a rut. When we finally got to his house I went up stairs immediately and grabbed my bag, that held my bible and notebook. Once my possessions were in hand I went back down stairs passing him in the process and silently saying "I'll be outside." I went straight to my car frustrated with myself just needing to cry out to God as loud as I wanted. I needed to go some where that no one would tell me to be quite. Once safely inside I turned on the AC and just started screaming. The tears soon followed, as I yelled to God how I was done, that I couldn't go on the way I was living. I was done not moving. I need Him to move me or I would go insane. I continued yelling about how I didn't care what it took but that change was necessary. I told Him to grow me to force me to grow. To not alone myself to go back. My boyfriend came up behind the car walking towards my door, I simply put up my index finger indicating I needed a minute. I finished screaming, wiped the streaking tears from under my eyes and walked to my boyfriend's car. I got in and sat silently, but not for long.
"You okay?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said, I just needed to yell."
"At who," he asked I thought I sensed concern.
"At myself to God."
We drove to worship. When we got there the doors to the church were locked but we were blessed enough to find someone to unlock the doors. I met a few new faces that day, who had a profound impact on my life that day.
The profound part occurred when we started to worship. One of the ladies had given me a worship flag to worship with. I twirled the flag here and there, little conversation went on. The music took a while to get set up but that is not my focus. the main focus too place when I went away on my own to worship. I spoke with God about my desires. I told him I didn't want to allow myself to show off the skills that I knew I didn't have. I wanted to just bring him glory. I called out to Him to bring me back to Him. I stopped twirling for a while and just called out to my God. I eventually was laying face down on the ground praying for His change to come about. Through out the worship service the ladies were praying for a particular woman who had shown up. God did amazing things in all our lives that Saturday. My boyfriend asked to pray for me. He anointed my forehead and hands with oil. He began to pray over me along with the other ladies. I also prayed and agreed with the prayers they were offering up. The Holy Spirit came over me, and I could no longer stand. I was lying on my back on the steps to the stage just praying to God. My boyfriend told me that God is going to start a new chapter in my life. After we had prayed and all had calmed my boyfriend told me that he needed to talk to me. As instinct I knew what it concerned. We stayed and worship, read the word, and had fellowship together a bit longer before leaving.
We were driving back to the graduation party when I asked if he wanted to talk now or later. He asked me which i would prefer and considering I knew what it concerned I said later. I said this because I didn't want to be a mess at the graduation party. He asked again and changed my mind for some reason. He explained to me that earlier he thought he had been a bit harsh, but then realized how truthful it was. He didn't rebuke me often, or go over scripture with me. He never challenged me to reference any scripture. He felt that God was telling him that He could not teach me or help me grow to my fullest if we were dating. As the words came out of his mouth my stomach turned in knots. He pulled the car into a church parking lot. After we had parked, we got out and sat on the trunk. He told me not to jump to conclusions and instantly my mind jumped to the fact that maybe God will grow us both and then we would get back together. I sat silent for a while, and finally spoke up after a while saying "If I can't grow to my fullest why would I grow at all." We both knew what this meant, but I felt peace about it. He told me that it was a very mature thing to say, and for once I didn't try to make an excuse for my reaction I took the compliment. I asked how we would ease out of a relationship, because he has brought it up earlier. He responded that he didn't think anyone could ease out of a relationship in which both people have made up their minds about. We talked for a while and I cried about having to deal with my family over the whole issue.
He comforted me and told me that just because we broke didn't mean we wouldn't be friends. I knew that we would still be friends. We continued to talk and joke about the future and people's reactions.
It has been hard. I have cried three time so far.. not that I'm keeping record. Every time I break down God brings up another area that I need to give to him.
My future of having a husband
My need for a man (God is my sustain-er)
My need to be held, and hugged
I still need prayer, and guidance. If you have any scripture or words of encouragement please feel free to comment.
Sincerely,
SRM
