Sorry I'm not Daughter of the Year.

I am finding it more and more difficult to live with my father. He is belligerent in my eyes. Tonight we had a talk about how immature I am. And about how I needed to be going to sleep. This conversation went from 1:30 until 2 am. If he REALLY had a problem with me staying up then he should have said get off the phone, go to bed, we are going to talk in the morning.
I feel like he is going to bed at least appease because he got to tell most of the ways he feels disrespect and disappointed in me for. The conversation in my eyes was a 'Let's tell Sierra all the ways she fails to be perfect."
I really want to move out, ASAP! I am going to start looking at apartments in the area. I might just go live with my grandparents. That is a reasonable idea! Though they might be more strict then my dad...
I would have to be in by 11, instead of 12. I would have to tell them if I wasn't at school, work, or church. And I probably would eventually end up in the predicament I am in now [hating my life]. Not all of it. I do enjoy most things about my life, just not living with my father. Whom I see as disagreeable and pushy. I realize I may be biased, but then again Ben, my brother, did move to the west coast because of him and other various reasons. My dad was one of the top reasons. I might do the same. Get my dad off my back, get my own place, and live close to my brothers, doesn't sound like a bad life. Only problem I have with it, is that Joel doesn't seem to fit into it. Joel, my boyfriend.
I am literally going to have to budget my time and money.

I hate having to check in. I feel like I am five. NO, I am twenty. Get out of my face, I don't owe you anything. I don't need to tell you where I am.

I need to move out.

Peace,

S.R.Macke

Rough & Tough.

Today was UUUggghhh. I am PMSing, which in my case means that my hormones have an influence on my moods. I find it really easy to be pessimistic. So this is my list of bitterness:
My shin hurts because I hit off a ladder I was climbing and trying not to fall.
I was late to my computer class by an hour, because I over slept.
I was late to Pysh101, mainly because there was no parking anywhere so I parked in their grass... suckahs.
I have acting tomorrow at 2 and I am coming to hate that class and a test in my Business 121 class.
Today has not been a day from hell because that would imply that God was absent and He wasn't. God was by myside, when I was unwilling to listen. He was there when I was tailgating that one car.

And then there is my boyfriend. He is pretty awesome! I love him! He makes me smile!

That is my rant. Good evening!

S.R. Macke

Affect. Effect. Love.

   It's super crazy how much an impact you won't make on the masses, which is why we should focus on the persons. The person you sit next to in class, your co-worker who gets on your nerves, or the person who lives across the hall, down the street, or maybe even room with. The people that you interact with daily are the people who need to be affected the most. I never knew the difference between the two (effect and affect).
   I thought they were interchangeable. When I think in terms of reality they are very different. What I mean by this is we affect people, we are not an effect. TO affect someone is 'to act on' or 'to impress the mind'. TO be an effect is to be produced. We should be loving people not being the one seeking love. <-- I know that statement seems crazy, but if you are truly made a new creation in Christ then you are whole in Him. By being made a new creation our mental focus changes from self to others. So today, when you go about your daily life think about how you affect people.

ef·fect

 
[ih-fekt] 
–noun
1.      something that is produced by an agency or cause; result;consequence: Exposure to the  sun had the effect oftoughening his skin.
2.      power to produce results; efficacy; force; validity; influence:His protest had no effect.

af·fect

¹  [v. uh-fekt; n. af-ekt] –verb (used with object)

1.

to act on; produce an effect or change in: Cold weather affected the crops.

2.

to impress the mind or move the feelings of: The music affected him deeply.

Peace!

S.R. Macke

Back up off.

I am going to jump into this one. 

I get to frustrated when people over exaggerate stories or experiences that were negative. My dog Benny lives with my mom now, but before that he lived with my dad. Every time my mom's household talks about Benny's old life they make it sound like it was torture! That pisses me off! It wasn't Back the fuck off my dad! 

I understand that things didn't work, but that doesn't give you any kind of license to bash him, his lifestyle or anything to do with him. I don't how to handle this situation well. 

Lord,
Please soften my heart and change my mom's heart toward my dad. I need you to make me not angry! I need you to help me. I can't do this! 

Amen. 

S.R. Macke

Living, Learing, Loving.

I have had a lot on my mind as of lately. I was a camp counselor a week ago and I injured my neck in the pool, that was a huge scare. But all is well.
I feel as like I am wasting my time if I am not out spreading the Gospel or serving someone. A desk job is not what I would like to be doing. God has been showing me and talking to me about the way the disciples lived, what they did, and how they did it. I think/thought God was calling me to live exactly like them and I am willing. But, I don't truly believe it is the lifestyle God is calling me to. I would like to sell all my stuff and just start traveling, but I am to obey. Just because I can make huge sacrifices in God's name doesn't mean He is telling me to make such sacrifices. I believe He is showing me and building these passion in me to get my mind on track with Him. I have such a passion to just go out and serve. I want to just go out and find someone who needs help. It's ridiculous to think this radically but it is passions as big as this that God uses to rebuke me in a different area of my life.
Sierra, you are so willing to sell everything and go where ever for Me, but are you willing to keep what you have and stay where I have placed you to minister to those I send to you?
Conviction.
I always feel like I'm selfish and self-centered if I live in a house with a queen size bed and a 52" TV. I feel like I could be doing something better. I should be doing something more. I want to GO! I want to just start walking and help everyone who crosses my path.
I want dreams.
Everyone when they were a child dreamed about growing up and doing something. I was a slightly normal child with hopes and dreams. Though as I grew up my dreams became more radical. I now feel as if I have lost all my dreams. I no longer want to be a teacher when I grow up, I don't really want to be a professional photographer for National Geographic or Discovery. I don't want to own or run a business. I don't want to be a millionaire. 
I want to be outdoors: hiking, climbing, kayaking, boating, swimming, running, walking:
I don't really want a profession, but at the same time I feel like I'm suppose to. I don't know if I'll go to a 4 year college after this year, considering I don't feel a need to except the freedom of 'I can officially do want I want when I want to.'
I would do it to get away.
There are things I want to experience though, liking living in a dorm at college, setting out on a trip (walking, biking or driving), raise money for the poor. There are a ton of things I want to accomplish too, I want to get married, lead someone to Christ, die for Christ, and walk in the Spirit everyday!

I hate the influence people have on my life. I always look to other for an example. I want to ONLY look to God. 


with all my love,
may God bless you,
S. R. Macke


ps. today is the day God brought me into this world. 

Going places, through faith.

So, these past few months have been tough. The last post I had was about my break up. It has not been easy but God has carried me through.
I am officially not going to Millikin University. I will be attending LLCC. God has called me to help out with the youth group and to try get something for college students rolling.

I want God to humble me, and make me patient. I want to change. I want the desires He has given to me for His kingdom to shine brighter then the rest. I want to walk in the Spirit (Galatians 5:19-26) and not in the flesh. I want to change and appreciate everything that You have done for me. I want to be made into a servant of His people.
I know I struggle with pride. I always want to be in the spot light bragging about what I have accomplished. As I grow up I still have these desires but now more then ever I am finding myself putting myself in the back ground so I don't get cocky. God I pray you will see this and do a work in me.

S.R.Macke

Wow, this past week.

My boyfriend and I broke up.  This has been hard. For you to better understand why here is a play by play:
I was in Seattle when he called me and explained what an awesome time he had at chapter focus week. He was excitedly going on about the loving community he and the group he had gone with had become. It was explained to me that the group that he had gone with was the smallest group, but they were the loudest. They would yell "oOO" across the campus they were located and they would get responses from fellow group mates "oOO". The joy he expressed in all that he had learned from God was extravagant. I celebrated in my heart with him and the group he had gone with. He told me that God had rebuked him for some of his actions and that things would be changing. I myself had been thinking about things and was praying that God would put it in my boyfriends to bring up changing the exact things God told had to change. This was amazing to me to see my God act so quickly and effectively. I agreed with him and we decided I would visit him the following weekend. This weekend came and things weren't sitting well. I was nervous but relieved. I had no clue what was in store for the weekend. The first night I was there we attended a friend's going away party. We played water pong ( same a beer pong minus the beer) and hung out. Many people drank and everyone had fun. We left and went back to my boyfriend's house. We watched a little TV.
The next day we went to a friend's graduation party. We played games and ate food, enjoying everyone company. We left at 4 to run to his house somethings before worship at 4:30. I was silent in the car. He got fired up by the fact that he never rebuked me or had theological conversations with me. He told me things were going to change. I was silent and complete agreed with him. I wanted change, I longed for it. My life at this point felt as if it was at a stand still. I felt my self settling into a rut.  When we finally got to his house I went up stairs immediately and grabbed my bag, that held my bible and notebook. Once my possessions were in hand I went back down stairs passing him in the process and silently saying "I'll be outside." I went straight to my car frustrated with myself just needing to cry out to God as loud as I wanted. I needed to go some where that no one would tell me to be quite. Once safely inside I turned on the AC and just started screaming. The tears soon followed, as I yelled to God how I was done, that I couldn't go on the way I was living. I was done not moving. I need Him to move me or I would go insane. I continued yelling about how I didn't care what it took but that change was necessary. I told Him to grow me to force me to grow. To not alone myself to go back. My boyfriend came up behind the car walking towards my door, I simply put up my index finger indicating I needed a minute. I finished screaming, wiped the streaking tears from under my eyes and walked to my boyfriend's car. I got in and sat silently, but not for long.
"You okay?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said, I just needed to yell."
"At who," he asked I thought I sensed concern.
"At myself to God."
We drove to worship. When we got there the doors to the church were locked but we were blessed enough to find someone to unlock the doors. I met a few new faces that day, who had a profound impact on my life that day.
The profound part occurred when we started to worship. One of the ladies had given me a worship flag to worship with. I twirled the flag here and there, little conversation went on. The music took a while to get set up but that is not my focus. the main focus too place when I went away on my own to worship. I spoke with God about my desires. I told him I didn't want to allow myself to show off the skills that I knew I didn't have. I wanted to just bring him glory. I called out to Him to bring me back to Him. I stopped twirling for a while and just called out to my God. I eventually was laying face down on the ground praying for His change to come about. Through out the worship service the ladies were praying for a particular woman who had shown up. God did amazing things in all our lives that Saturday. My boyfriend asked to pray for me. He anointed my forehead and hands with oil. He began to pray over me along with the other ladies. I also prayed and agreed with the prayers they were offering up. The Holy Spirit came over me, and I could no longer stand. I was lying on my back on the steps to the stage just praying to God. My boyfriend told me that God is going to start a new chapter in my life. After we had prayed and all had calmed my boyfriend told me that he needed to talk to me. As instinct I knew what it concerned. We stayed and worship, read the word, and had fellowship together a bit longer before leaving.
We were driving back to the graduation party when I asked if he wanted to talk now or later. He asked me which i would prefer and considering I knew what it concerned I said later. I said this because I didn't want to be a mess at the graduation party. He asked again and changed my mind for some reason. He explained to me that earlier he thought he had been a bit harsh, but then realized how truthful it was. He didn't rebuke me often, or go over scripture with me. He never challenged me to reference any scripture. He felt that God was telling him that He could not teach me or help me grow to my fullest if we were dating. As the words came out of his mouth my stomach turned in knots. He pulled the car into a church parking lot. After we had parked, we got out and sat on the trunk. He told me not to jump to conclusions and instantly my mind jumped to the fact that maybe God will grow us both and then we would get back together. I sat silent for a while, and finally spoke up after a while saying "If I can't grow to my fullest why would I grow at all." We both knew what this meant, but I felt peace about it. He told me that it was a very mature thing to say, and for once I didn't try to make an excuse for my reaction I took the compliment. I asked how we would ease out of a relationship, because he has brought it up earlier. He responded that he didn't think anyone could ease out of a relationship in which both people have made up their minds about. We talked for a while and I cried about having to deal with my family over the whole issue.
He comforted me and told me that just because we broke didn't mean we wouldn't be friends. I knew that we would still be friends. We continued to talk and joke about the future and people's reactions.
It has been hard. I have cried three time so far.. not that I'm keeping record. Every time I break down God brings up another area that I need to give to him.
My future of having a husband
My need for a man (God is my sustain-er)
My need to be held, and hugged

I still need prayer, and guidance. If you have any scripture or words of encouragement please feel free to comment.

Sincerely,

SRM